"Stop being so freaking lazy"

A sentence I hear yelled at me daily.

At the young age of 13 I was depressed for the first time in my life, and it only got worse from there. With constantly fighting parents, no friends, and poor grades, I didn't see the purpose of going on. It wouldn't have affected anyone, no one would notice, and people who did notice, would be happier. I tried to permanently put myself to sleep, three times in fact, but everytime, Zoey would come to my side. I couldn't leave her alone in this cruel family. She and I are in this together.

Off topic of the post, but very relevant, I didn't do any research on name meanings when I was deciding on what to call my new bundle of fur. A friend suggested "Zoey" and I immediately knew that was perfect, shortly thereafter, the middle name "Elizabeth" came along. While scrolling through Pinterest yesterday I saw the name "Zoey" meant "life" and "Elizabeth" meant "Oath to God." I've always believed that Zoey was an angel in cat form to keep me going.

Anyway, from day one, I've told my parents that I was depressed. They always gave the same general response, "no, you're not, now go do ____!" When they found out about my suicidal thoughts, they told me,
"I don't understand why you would do this???"
"You have it way better than most kids!"
"You're just overreacting."
"If you kill yourself, I'm going to kill myself."

They didn't understand, and they never will understand. Depression isn't a pity party. Depression isn't to get attention. Depression is a real thing, and it makes you feel like you don't matter to anyone. Depression will not always be noticable, which is why it's VERY important to care for not only YOUR mental health, but your friends' mental health.

I only had one person ever notice that I was depressed, and it was my youth pastor. I showed up to worship team practice, and Jeff looked me in the eyes, put his hand on my shoulder, and asked me if I was okay. It meant the world to me, and I cried over the fact that someone noticed me for once.

Personally, I don't believe that depression is curable. I believe that you have to discover the root of it, figure out your emotions, and learn to work through depression. Sure, there will always be things that trigger it. For me, it's when someone speaks down to me. I've always had a dangerously low self esteem, and it work hard daily on my self esteem. When someone tells me how worthless I am, I go straight back to square one.

It's true that no one will understand exactly what you're going through, but most people can sympathize, because most have gone through some form of depression. Don't bottle it up, talk to someone you TRUST about how you feel. If you don't know anyone personally, here's the link to the live chat for depression/suicidal thoughts.

Please know that I love you, and I care about you.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/