One Wild Ride

 I've tried to write this out multiple times, but can never find the perfect words. So, here goes my best shot... 

Most days (of my first semester), I cry, but the reasoning often changes. Some days depression hits harder than others and my grades slip, other days I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect, but most days, I'm overwhelmed seeing God move in my life. From the very moment I asked God to show me where to attend college, I knew that there was soon going to be unbelievable stories to tell, but this year has been more than I could have imagined.

Going into the year 2021, I told myself that I was no longer going to pursue people. If friends want to be in my life, they have to work for it, if boys want to get to know me, they have to work for it. I can't waste my time on people who don't care. Within the first week on being back on campus, I slightly broke that and would ask Braden about hanging out. We've over chasing boys now that we are in week four, this isn't high school. Once I put the Lord first, school second, and friends third, that's when I met a boy named Spencer. In the short period of knowing him, he reminds me that there are more people like Keaton in this world. I thought boys who loved the Lord like I did went extinct. 

This is where my newfound shame comes in, and I'll have to remind myself daily that the Lord overs my sins. What sins? Exactly, the Lord covers them in grace, can't see them. ;)  Kids, I pray everyday that you never go through the things I have. I thought I had my life all together, nothing could hurt me, I had the good head on my shoulders, but no. I've never felt good enough because grandpa and grandma would fight. I never felt good enough for friends, but by golly when fuckboys showed me attention, I would soak it all up, get as close as I could to the edge, and then push them off. I wish I could share everything about college with you, but it's just an experience in and of itself, I hope you try it out. 

Things I shouldn't have learned my first semester:

• Walking two miles feels so much longer while in the ghetto
• Prostitutes are real, and actually work corners
• Always google how far your destination is before you start driving
• Never get into a serious relationship during college
• Love isn't as simple as "they" make it out to be
• If you play with fire long enough, you'll get burned
• It's not about never messing up, what's important is how you make it right
• Brokenness goes deeper than you will ever realize
• When boys play you, you end up playing them
• It's about when you get played by boys, not if.

Things that I'm thankful I learned while in college

• Knowing that with good friends, walking two miles off campus, in the ghetto and not being shot, is a legendary story to be able to tell people.
• Prostitutes are nice people, and to pray for them too.
• Lompoc is definitely a 9 hour drive to and from campus and apparently you can run off an hour and a half of sleep.
• Always stay in God's will, because it will bring you to some moments in your life that will change you forever. 
• We get to choose who we love for the rest of our lives - choose wisely.
• It's easier to never put yourself in a bad situation in the first place.
• When I mess up, God is right there to hold my hand and heal me. 
• EVERYTHING we do, is motivated by something, find your "why?"
• It's more important to fall in love with your best friend, not a stranger's potential.
• and when boys play you, know that you deserve better and leave, even if it hurts.

I love you. Please remember that no amount of actions you do can make me disappointed or not love you anymore.