soon to be summer memories

This summer has been full of challenges, which created growth. I was frightful of coming home and really didn't want to, because all my problems were waiting for me here, minus y'all. Your family was the shimmer of hope that filled my days. 

Before college, I was scared, period. Afraid to make a mistake, make someone disappointed, not be good enough. I always needed to impress and be busy, to earn my keep. There was no love behind my actions, just fear.

After my first year of college, I changed completely, for the better. I found my confidence, and wanted to focus my efforts on what's important in life and letting the kids have their space in order to grow as well. I sit and listen to each child, not just through words, but what their actions are trying to say. Each child, so unlike to next, is full of adventure, hope, and unconditional love.

I see how Elijah is wilderly independent, full of unexpected knowledge, and the desire to fit every social mold. I get to be myself around him. We both crave quality time without needing to talk to each other. Being around someone without being bothered is what he likes. I love how we watch shows and laugh at the same jokes. He still looks up to me, because he knows I'm fun, but care.

Sam is the ball of emotions of the group. He processes everything that goes on so deeply that he feels deeply. He tries so hard to be the best kid he can be, I hear it in his voice. We share the need to be affirmed we are heard and seen among the craziness. I must admit that I haven't had as sweet of moments with Sam as the others, but I see him and place bets that he'll be an engineer someday.

I have never seen a child as full of love as Thomas. He's gives me hope that some boys are still gentlemen. His unexpected cuddles, the way he sees a need and cares for it, he's able to to connect dots I never for have expected. He truly cares for people. I think the love language physical touch was made for him, which I enjoy every hug and cuddle he gives.

The prettiest of them all, Bella, amazes me to this day. I always thought that somehow she was the most wild, which she is, but I just mislabeled her strong will. I finally get to see a piece of what I was like as a little girl. Running around with the boys in a dress, learning how to fight with makeup on, and never liking to be corrected for my actions. She's sentimental and keeps nik naks for that reason- as do I. When I saw the way she puts her hand out the car window with her music playing, I saw myself in her.

Zekie see, Zekie do. This mighty man has the mentality of a sumo wrestler, but the heart on his sleeve gets hurt a little too easily. He loves the word "poop" and his jokes never make sense, but he's a hoot an a half. He loves to jump around and say, "that was cool, right?" He's just trying to find his place, not knowing who he is. My favorite thing is when he asks me to do things for him, not because I want him to be dependent, but because he's able to do it and wants me with him.

It's no longer "I gotta go to work" it's "I get to spend my day with 'my kids' and I'm so excited to spend time with them." The way that I'm shown love, forgiveness, and grace through this family, has helped heal my inner child. I feel more like a Newton than a Zahorsky. When I leave in the evenings, I always wish that I could stay. The weekends can't go by fast enough and Mondays are my favorite day of the week. I'm in tears by the overwhelming love I have for this family, that I rightfully can not call my own, but in my heart, will always be something more than just friends.

This summer taught me to be still and listen-- really listen. Give trust and freedom. Have fun. Be yourself. & Never stop loving. So, yes, this summer has been crazy...and I loved every second of it, thank you.